Slam!

I have a love for slam poetry. The first time I ever went to a poetry slam was the first time I ever experienced one of those weird, defining moments were the world stops and you look around and think "this is awesome." That feeling didn't come from a person or love or death or anything like that, but from a room filled to the sweaty brim of people, all focused on one person telling everything about themselves or calling everyone to action using a combination of words that you never even knew existed. 


And yeah, people snap in real life. 


Basically, I just wanted everyone in the world (or the 2 people that read this blog) to know how awesome slam poetry is.


Here is a good one.
It was tough for me to choose.
That is how good slam poetry is.
get happy, 
amg
 

words

There are good words and bad words. Words that you are expected to say at church and words you are expected to say to your friends. Some words are for kids and some words are for parents. Everyone uses words. This page is covered to words. 


And now, I am expected to write 2,500 words about a topic I don't really care about and call it an essay. 


Sometimes, essays are useless. I know the material, the teacher knows I know the material, and at this point, this particular essay just feels like punishment. I wish I could just pull a Breakfast Club and write an essay about how the essay topic is too confining and I would rather not write it. 


I can poem all day, blog all day, text all day, and of course I can talk all day, but writing an essay that I don't want to write is the most painfully annoying process in the world. Please make the hurt stop. 


Dear Dr. Cheng-Levine,
I accept the fact that I had to sacrifice a year of my life to attend community college because the United States doesn't know how to budget well enough to give me a free education, despite the fact that I am entirely deserving, but I think you are crazy for making me write an essay telling you what I think American Literature is. You see it as you want to see it, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what I found out is that American Literature is Post-Modernist, New Historicist, Feminist, Eco-Critical, Deconstructionist, and Multiculturalist.  
Does that answer your question?


Sincerely yours, 
amg


[This message was brought to you by procrastination. Helping me write profound things on the internet, when I should be essaying since 2004.]


Embedding on this was disabled, and I couldn't html cheat the system. Blame Washington.
Breakfast Club speech that I stole

Works hard for the money

Once again, lack of funds has prevented me from doing something awesome.
Tomorrow night, in Los Angeles, Garfunkel and Oats are performing for the nominal fee of $25. I have very little to say on the subject except that they are awesome, and I am sad that I will not be able to see them.


I could go on and on about how awesome it is to see truely talented and hilarious female comedians. I could issue a formal middle finger to Jerry Lewis who in 2000, told an audience at a comedy festival that he “[doesn’t] like any female comedians.” But I won't do either of these things because Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome stand on their own as utterly hilarious women.




[viewer disgretion is adviced.]



get happy,
amg

bane of my existence

I hate when good things happen to stupid people.


I have applied to dozens of scholarships and maybe received one or two. I was reading the "Previous Winners" section of one of my rejectors only to discover that the girl who won has the grammar of a 5th grader!


And now, I understand her story was sad- her grandmother is sick and her mom is depressed and that really sucks- but that doesn't mean she is allowed to be illiterate!


Anyone out there who frequently writes essays and applies for scholarships knows that conversational phrases are OFF LIMITS.


Dear Students,
Use common sense when writing essays. You aren't talking to your best friend or you mother or your cat. Approaching eloquence, or even feigning literacy, is highly appreciated.
Love,
amg


Dear Scholarship Judges,
Do not reward bad writing, especially when your website claims that your "judges expect you to use correct spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence case."
Love,
amg




(During this rant, I allude to a specific scholarship. I have omitted any hints as to which scholarship I am referring to in order to preserve the privacy of those involved. I wouldn't want someone to not get a job because their potential employer discovered that person's stupidity.)


get happy,
amg

Mall Patrons 2.0

eh hem.

In case you didn't know, I am a mall employee. I sit in a little faux-wood booth in the center of the commodified hustle and bustle, and I direct people to where the bathroom is located. I also answer phones to long winded individuals asking about the subtleties of Santa Clarita Valley, who in reality, probably just want someone to talk to. Now with this front row seat to civilization, I get to do a lot of people watching, which is both hilarious and depressing. And so we have now, for your entertainment...

The Top Mall Patrons of my Career!

(in no particular order)

1. Tig

Tig is this guy who, according to his Facebook fan page, is "A Friendly Guy We See all Around Santa Clarita" (sic). He has 1000+ Facebook fans.

Now, my experiences with Tig are very different than his loyal fans. When he's banned from the mall, which is quite frequently, I get dozens of phone calls a day from this man, asking for phone numbers to overseas toy stores, which of course, I need to look up for him. If you see Tig, he will inevitably tell you "sometimes people like to write on my hand. it feels real good."

2. Metal Head Guy

I love walking contradictions. Metal head guy prances around the mall with his long hair, his ripped jeans (with matching torn, jean vest), and a black t-shirt with the name of some morbid band name on it. Of course, metal head guy is also about 45 years old and sports Sketchers Shape Ups. Didn't know they were so popular with such a Motley Crue.

(This is an ongoing series that I will basically rely on to fill in the inevitable gaps in my blogging correspondence)

get happy,

amg

new kid on the block

Like every new user on their first post to an online medium, I am going to go on about how I don't know how to use this site yet, and I am going to promise frequent posts and updates. "Once a week," I will say, but as life gets busier, and I run out of interesting things to say, my posts will become few and far between. I can only hope that between now and when that happens, I will say a few interesting things, and maybe a person or two will continue to check my deserted blog frequently in hopes of a resurrection.

get happy,

amg