Darth Mall

Welcome, blog-stalkers, to another issue of

The Top Mall Patrons of my Career!

(in no particular order)

3. Tween Boys are such a joy to watch amble through the mall with that "I-wish-I-could-shave-so-bad" lust in there eyes. They usually travel in packs with hair that is far longer than it should be and wearing clothing articles where they shouldn't be (i.e. ties around their waists, socks on their arms, and shoe laces around their wrists). They think they are really cool, and yet there are a few of them that I have seen every weekend. In other words, they ONLY hang out at the mall, which makes you about as cool as a mall employee, which speaking from experience, is NOT cool. (P.S. Why do the kids up on the left there have pink hands?)

4. Young, entrepreneurial parents are an annoying breed. In their attempt to live the postmodernist American Dream, they plan their family to the last detail. I can only bet that somewhere buried on their Macbook Pro, is a spreadsheet with each pregnancy planned to the day and a reminder to hit up that hip baby website for one of these puppies -------->.

Which only reminds me that the worst part about these couples are their crappy, foreign strollers that look like they were made by Ikea. The young, post-hipsters' infinite mediocrity has led them to overcompensate with space-aged strollers that look like everything Walt Disney put into TomorrowLand in the 1950s; utterly useless. I don't understand the point of these overly-complicated strollers that they drop $1000 on, despite the fact that little Poe and Italia will only even use it for 2 years.

Well, that's all I got.

None of these photos are mine. I googled them. NOT MINE. Don't sue me.

get happy,

amg

Slam!

I have a love for slam poetry. The first time I ever went to a poetry slam was the first time I ever experienced one of those weird, defining moments were the world stops and you look around and think "this is awesome." That feeling didn't come from a person or love or death or anything like that, but from a room filled to the sweaty brim of people, all focused on one person telling everything about themselves or calling everyone to action using a combination of words that you never even knew existed. 


And yeah, people snap in real life. 


Basically, I just wanted everyone in the world (or the 2 people that read this blog) to know how awesome slam poetry is.


Here is a good one.
It was tough for me to choose.
That is how good slam poetry is.
get happy, 
amg
 

words

There are good words and bad words. Words that you are expected to say at church and words you are expected to say to your friends. Some words are for kids and some words are for parents. Everyone uses words. This page is covered to words. 


And now, I am expected to write 2,500 words about a topic I don't really care about and call it an essay. 


Sometimes, essays are useless. I know the material, the teacher knows I know the material, and at this point, this particular essay just feels like punishment. I wish I could just pull a Breakfast Club and write an essay about how the essay topic is too confining and I would rather not write it. 


I can poem all day, blog all day, text all day, and of course I can talk all day, but writing an essay that I don't want to write is the most painfully annoying process in the world. Please make the hurt stop. 


Dear Dr. Cheng-Levine,
I accept the fact that I had to sacrifice a year of my life to attend community college because the United States doesn't know how to budget well enough to give me a free education, despite the fact that I am entirely deserving, but I think you are crazy for making me write an essay telling you what I think American Literature is. You see it as you want to see it, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what I found out is that American Literature is Post-Modernist, New Historicist, Feminist, Eco-Critical, Deconstructionist, and Multiculturalist.  
Does that answer your question?


Sincerely yours, 
amg


[This message was brought to you by procrastination. Helping me write profound things on the internet, when I should be essaying since 2004.]


Embedding on this was disabled, and I couldn't html cheat the system. Blame Washington.
Breakfast Club speech that I stole

Mall Patrons 2.0

eh hem.

In case you didn't know, I am a mall employee. I sit in a little faux-wood booth in the center of the commodified hustle and bustle, and I direct people to where the bathroom is located. I also answer phones to long winded individuals asking about the subtleties of Santa Clarita Valley, who in reality, probably just want someone to talk to. Now with this front row seat to civilization, I get to do a lot of people watching, which is both hilarious and depressing. And so we have now, for your entertainment...

The Top Mall Patrons of my Career!

(in no particular order)

1. Tig

Tig is this guy who, according to his Facebook fan page, is "A Friendly Guy We See all Around Santa Clarita" (sic). He has 1000+ Facebook fans.

Now, my experiences with Tig are very different than his loyal fans. When he's banned from the mall, which is quite frequently, I get dozens of phone calls a day from this man, asking for phone numbers to overseas toy stores, which of course, I need to look up for him. If you see Tig, he will inevitably tell you "sometimes people like to write on my hand. it feels real good."

2. Metal Head Guy

I love walking contradictions. Metal head guy prances around the mall with his long hair, his ripped jeans (with matching torn, jean vest), and a black t-shirt with the name of some morbid band name on it. Of course, metal head guy is also about 45 years old and sports Sketchers Shape Ups. Didn't know they were so popular with such a Motley Crue.

(This is an ongoing series that I will basically rely on to fill in the inevitable gaps in my blogging correspondence)

get happy,

amg